Virtue, which according to Webster’s, is “general moral excellence, right action and thinking,” is not too prevalent in the world today, especially in politics. Many people seem to underestimate the power of good behavior. My wife would really be proud of me if I dedicated my life to the seven virtues. These words to live by were first written about by Plato and Aristotle. Originally, there were four - temperance, wisdom, justice and courage - known to today as the cardinal virtues. The other three - faith, hope and charity - are referred to as the theological virtues.
Unfortunately, the seven deadly sins (lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride) have often received better billing by the human race. This is another shortcoming I wish to help overcome by presenting the antithesis of these popular heathens: chastity (lust), , temperance (gluttony), charity (greed), diligence (sloth), patience (wrath), kindness (envy) and humility (pride). I, contrary to what my wife might say, have more than a passing acquaintance with each – virtue I mean, not sin.
First class, let us consider chastity. Now I realize that lust is a lot more fun; I mean a lot more common than chastity, but the latter has a lot going for it. Chastity is highly recommended for the high school cheerleaders when overheated football players try their charms on them. I myself know chastity well because that is what I always preached to my son and daughter, of course. Since I am not exactly a ladies’ man, my devotion to chastity has seldom been put to test. However, lust, now that is another matter, and a word that many presidents and most males can relate to, as in “I have lusted after…”
Temperance. “Ah, yes, I’d like to say a few words about temperance,” as W. C. Fields used to say. For those too young to recall the virtues of Mr. Fields, he was a comic actor who was known for imbibing quite prodigiously quite frequently. I have heard of temperance, even though I have never tried it. Now, its polar opposite, gluttony, I have a lot more talent for. I have always like to drink – not necessarily alcoholic beverages - and eat, unfortunately, everything in sight. So since temperance is relatively new to me, I will wave to it as it passes by.
Charity is one virtue I recognize and endorse wholeheartedly. I have always believed in being charitable, especially at the market when one asks for a donation. (I don’t want to look like some two-bit tightwad.) Greed, on the other hand, I really understand. It’s a good old-fashioned sin that gets a workout by many people. And it’s a handy word, like when my wife said after Notre Dame won its 11th national championship. “You don’t need to be greedy. Let someone else win once in a while.” What? Now who said that charity begins at home?
Diligence I have no worries about. I am dedicated to everything I do and seldom give up. When I want to finish a book, dishes, gardening or bills or play with grandchildren, nothing can stop me. In fact, my wife is really getting tired of it. “Can’t you procrastinate once in a while? You are driving me crazy the way you have to get everything done in the next instant.” Sloth is unknown to me except for the three-toed kind. Diligence is what my grandson shows what he hears a trash truck. We will not give up until we have it on site in our sight.
Patience – now there is a word I can relate to. It’s as important a virtue as anyone can ever have, and, unfortunately, this virtue is totally foreign to me. Boy, I wish I could get this column done. Goshdangit! I will go back to the bank when there is no line. Golly gee! We can’t go through that drive-in. There are two people in front of us. Hurry up! Do you have to take forever in the buffet line? Maybe God will feel sorry for everyone else and give me a small dose of patience. C’mon, God, I’m waiting. Now wrath, its opposite, I have plenty of, but I am trying to learn to control it. Who else would get totally upset over a beloved daughter adding water to mashed potatoes? Only a clod like me.
Kindness is not foreign to me. I am kind to everyone., When I go running in the morning, I don’t bother anyone by nodding at them or wishing them good morning. Ain’t I a good guy? When my wife wants me to type something up for her, I can’t wait to do it. If fact, I drive her crazy demanding when she is going to give it to me. I am always kind to my grandchildren. I just demand they be at our house at a certain time in case I am ready to play. I can’t stand tardiness. In fact, I start looking out the window and tapping my foot. Envy is touted as the opposite of kindness. Now envy is nothing I can relate to. I am absolutely envious of no one. Whatever they have, they deserve. In fact, I drive my wife crazy that I am not a little more envious. If I were, maybe I would get off my duff and…you know.
Humility. Now there is a virtue that I know very well. If there is anyone who is humble, it is I. I probably have more humility than anyone in the world, well, at least the United States
See? It’s not so difficult to be virtuous in today’s world. My family, my relatives, my friends, my students, my co-workers, my church would all do well to emulate me. I will do anything that anyone asks me to do. Just don’t ask too often. I am kind of busy being a paragon of virtue and humility.
The virtuous Don Lechman is a former reporter, critic and editor for The Daily Breeze. He teaches writing at Harbor College in Wilmington.
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